I am Garfield Logan, and I
by Nacho cheese001
Summary: Beast Boy has betrayed the Titans. He now follows Slade. And he's doing it all for her. A story of one young mans journey into darkness. Can there be a happy ending? BBxRae
1. My Name Is

My name is Garfeild Logan and I have done horrible things. I have sworn to obey a dark master, I have commited terible crimes. I have betrayed and attacked those who I call my freinds. There is no one left to stop me. No one left to save me from myself. My name is Garfeild Logan, I have done terrible things. And I have absolutly no regrets.

I used to be a Teen Titan. I stood boldly against the worst villians and criminals imaginable. I fought them alongside my freinds, no, my family. They took me in, gave me a home, made me feel for the first time in my life, as if i belonged. With them I have known hope, joy, freindship, belonging, and even love. It broke my heart to betray my freinds. But it was something I had to do. I still remember the look of shock on their faces. They never suspected me, the goofy one, the immature prankster, to be capable of such... deeds. Defeating them was easy, bringing myself to do it was the hard part. How can someone so utterly betray their freinds, their family, even their own nature? The answer may shock you.

To put it simply I did it for love.

I don't mean the "I think I like you " kind of love, not even the "Your the only one I think about" love. This is the honest to god "I'd go to hell and back to have you" love. I've done it all for her. It is in her name that I have sacrificed everything that I have once held dear.

And now I stand here, with blood staining my hands, darkness clouding my heart. Sometimes I catch myself, wondering if it has all been a dream. But then it all comes rushing back, the memories of the events that have lead me down this dark path. Not much time has passed, but at the same time it feels like an eternity. Yet I still can't shake the nagging phrase from my head as I stand here, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."


	2. Memories

(AN: This is how I plan to start out the chapters. First person narration from BB's pov. _Italic_ first person narration sets the scene for past events. And past events are done in my good ole favorite third person perspective. I like being able provide others thoughts as well)

Sometimes my memories are all that sustain me through the dark nights. Memories of a better time. A time before…all this. So I'll retreat into the safety of my memories to deny just for a time what I have become, what I've done.

Sometimes I will pass a place on the street and the memories will overtake me. I'll remember the time the Titans foiled the robbery at a bank. The time we all went swimming at the beach. That day we spent at the mall. Though those pleasant memories are now all bittersweet. They will be forever tainted with the knowledge of what I have done.

But not all memories are pleasant. Sometimes the bad ones can creep up on you like a jungle cat, silent but powerful. These are the ones that haunt me. I can't even go near the park without my entire body starting to shake.

The memories of her are what sustain me. The sound of her voice, the way she walked, even the subtle scent of her hair. They are what propel me forward, give me hope. Even her name brings back pleasant memories, Raven.

Its hard to believe sometimes, that I could possibly feel this way for her. On the surface we are so different, like night and day. I'm the happy go lucky kid of the group, whereas she is the reserved and mysterious one. But as we all know what we see on the surface is not always accurate.

In many ways we are more alike than anyone could ever guess. I think this is why I've always harbored feelings for her. At first I thought it was just the empathy one feels toward kindred spirit. But as time drew on, this feeling began to change. At times I was surprised at its strength, the things it compelled me to do.

I remember one night in particular, and what I was compelled to do. I actually believe that this night was the first link in the chain that lead me to where I now stand.

_It was just after she had told us about the prophecy. The one that Slade had delivered word of. That damned prophecy that said she would be the one to bring her father Trigon to earth. We had built a special chamber for her in the tower, to keep her safe. _

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Raven floated in midair, her legs folded into her classic lotus stance, meditating. Or that's what she told herself she was doing. In reality she was crying. Her tears were for her friends. They were trying so hard to protect her, to stop what was destined to come to pass.

She brought her hands to her face to wipe away the tears. She felt a metallic object brush against her face. Looking down into her hands she saw a small copper object. A penny.

'Not just any penny.' she thought. It was the lucky penny that Beast Boy had given her, shortly after her friends had brought her here.

She turned it over in her palm, twirling it absentmindedly. It was such a simple thing, a piece of copper that by itself was worth next to nothing, but something told her that there was more to it.

'Much like the boy himself' she mused. Beast Boy had been acting, different around her lately, not just after hearing the prophecy, but before as well.

Sometimes when he thought no one was looking he would stare off into space of long periods of time, an unreadable expression on his face. The second anyone noticed however he would put that silly dopy grin on his face and make up some outlandish story, like his last one about trying to see if he had X-ray vision. This wouldn't have been a problem if he had not gave an exaggerated look at Raven, waggling his eyebrows at her. She had nearly put him through a wall for that. The window did just as well however.

She was interrupted from her thoughts by a knocking coming from the other side of the large blast door that served as the entrance to her "fortress" as she had come to think of it.

"Hey Raven, it's me." came the voice of a certain green changeling from the intercom.

Sighing she used her powers to activate the intercom, "What is it?" she asked adding a note of irritation to her voice.

"Just wanted to see if you could use some company." he replied in a hopeful tone.

She thought about this. Normally she had a colorful or sarcastic answer ready and waiting for these questions. But did she really want to be alone tonight? She pondered this for awhile.

"Or if company isn't your cup of Tea I have just that." he said in a playful tone.

"What's that?" she asked a bit perplexed.

"Tea" he said simply, in that same playful yet odd way.

That sealed the deal, she'd been craving something to drink for several hours now. With a flick of her powers she entered the code on the door, remaining floating in midair. The doors slid ponderously open to reveal the green changeling holding a thermos and a tea cup.

She expected to be instantly barraged with some manner of inane chatter, but instead the green teenager simply walked over to where she was floating. He sat down, crossing his legs Indian style. He unscrewed the lid on thermos causing a wisp of steam to escape. He poured some of the contents carefully into the cup before reattaching the lid and placing the thermos beside the book.

All of this was done in silence. Very uncharacteristic of Beast Boy. Raven couldn't help but look at him with a curious expression on her face. He chose that moment to look up at her, offering her the cup of tea with an outstretched hand. Raven grasped the cup, enjoying the feeling of the warm porcelain against her hands. She waited a moment for the tea to cool slightly before sipping.

It was…good. She felt the warmth of the beverage work its way down her throat and into her stomach. Some of the tension she was feeling slowly began to fade. She closed her eyes and let out a contented sigh.

"Better?" came a soft voice. Raven opened her eyes, she had forgotten he was there.

"Yes, thanks" she said after composing herself. Beast Boy grinned.

"I didn't think you'd want to be alone, all things considered." he said, his concern evident.

Raven thought about this for a moment, as much as she'd like to just meditate, it was like he said, she didn't feel like being alone right now.

"Thank you." she said simply, while gazing down into the depths of her tea.

"No problem."

They sat like that for several minutes, Raven staring down into the tea, and Beast Boy just sitting there, watching her. Predictably it was Beast Boy the broke the silence.

"Penny for your thoughts." he said in an encouraging tone.

"Look, Beast Boy, I really don't want to talk about it right now. Thank you for the tea, but you really should go." she said. She couldn't talk about his right now, not to anybody, least of all Beast Boy. He wouldn't understand, how could he?

He didn't move. "Raven I'm sorry your secret came out the way it did. Nobody wants to here something private and personal about themselves coming from the enemy." The look on his face was one of determination, he had obviously come here for a reason.

Raven was a bit taken aback at this. He was right, she had never told anyone about the prophecy before. The fact that she would cause the end of the world had haunted her ever since she had learned of it as a child. Now she really wanted him to leave, so she could find a nice dark rock to crawl under.

"Beast Boy…" she began. He was acting strange, she'd never seen him like this.

"Garfield." he said simply, cutting her off.

"What?" she said suddenly.

"Garfield" he said again simply.

"Why do you keep saying that?" she asked, now very confused.

"I know your secret, can't help that. I thought if you knew mine, you wouldn't be as uncomfortable, so we could talk." he said, his tone serious.

"That still doesn't explain why you kept saying Garfield." she said, still confused.

"It's me. My name is Garfield Logan." he said with a smile.

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(AN: Wow! Thanks for all the reviews thus far. I've been kicking this idea around in my head for awhile now and am eager to get it out of there! It was inspired partly by a story from beautifulpurpleflame called It's Your Choice. Read it if you get a chance. As always remember more reviews makes for a happy author!)


	3. The Past and a Promise

Ch 3

(AN: though they never really go into it in the cartoon show, you can find a full description of BB's past from the Teen Titans comic books by searching wikapedia. For the purposes of my story I am condensing his past somewhat, and eliminating other parts. I realize that I am modeling BB a bit after the comic book character and not the character he is from the cartoon series, but hey I think I made it work, I just hope you feel the same.)

I remember how I told her… everything. That night I revealed more of myself than I had in my entire life. Never had I told anyone else this much. Not even my adoptive "family" the Doom Patrol knew everything that I had told her there and then.

I remember feeling like a weight had been lifted from me, the weight of the past I hadn't dared to think about let alone speak of. The story of my parents, Africa, and my powers. The first difficult part was when I came to my parents death. How I had lost them. Watched them die. Had been unable to save them.

One of my fondest memories of her were of that moment, right after I had told her of my parents. It was the look she gave me. It was her eyes. When she looked at me they were filled with compassion. Raven, the unemotional one, the distant and reserved one, was looking at me with compassion.

There are times that this memory alone allows me to press on. There are also times where I wonder if once this is all over, will she ever look at me this way again. This makes the memory one of my most treasured, and at the same time my most dreaded. This night also holds another event of utmost significance to me. It was the next link in the chain of events that would lead me down this dark path. It was the night that I made her a promise. A promise for which I would commit dark and terrible acts.

_It was the night before… everything changed. I was finally telling her everything. I'd wanted to tell her for so long. And for the first time, I think she understood. _

She listened to his story, watching his face as he told it. At times he would have a far away look, as if he could once again see the people and places he was describing. He would ramble, describing in intimate detail a particular scene, the way it looked, smelled, how it made him feel. Raven herself felt transported, it was as if she could feel these places, these events.

She just listened as words washed over her, curiosity replacing anxiety, wonder in the place of dread. He was allowing her to forget, if even for just a moment. All the dread, all the anxiety she had been experiencing for almost her entire life was suddenly lifted. It was wondrous, like the first breath of fresh clean air to a drowning man.

The story itself was a sad one. The alienation caused by his powers, the death of his parents, being forced by kidnappers to commit various thefts and crimes, his adoption by the caring yet distant Doom Patrol. She realized that telling the story was painful for him, he was reliving all the memories he had tried so hard to forget. Yet he would not gloss over these parts, would not rush them, instead he picked them apart piece by piece, explaining in detail just what had happened, how it made him feel, and how it had shaped him.

As she listened she couldn't help being shocked and amazed by this abrupt change in attitude. Beast Boy was always the one to ruin moments like these by making some corny joke, or saying something silly. She had never known that he was capable of this level of introspection. This level of self reflection.

She found herself remembering all the times like this, the times he would keep conversations or moments from getting too deep. How he constantly endeavored to keep things light, impersonal. But every once in awhile he would say or do something that would break through that attitude of his.

"_You think that you're alone Raven, but you're not."_

Unbidden this memory sprung into her mind. She had been heartbroken after the evil dragon Malchior had deceived and betrayed her. Beast Boy had come to her, comforted her. Somehow he had found just the words to ease the hurt. Like he had somehow known exactly what to say, known exactly how she was feeling.

It was there, poised in the forefront of her mind, a realization, a revelation. Something, she felt, that could change everything. But…it…just…wouldn't…come. This was maddening, to have it be right there, an idea not yet fully realized, burning away inside of her.

The story finished, Beast Boy looked over to Raven, their eyes meeting. She had been watching him throughout the entire tale, not once had he looked at her, but now he was looking right at her. It was as if she was all he could see, as if he could look right into her, and know her completely. Part of her wanted to look away, but another part of her needed this. To be understood. 'But how can he understand me?' she thought

'I hide my feelings from the world, how could anyone understand me? Least of all Beast Boy. The jokester, the prankster, the one who always ruins these moments. But yet here he is… This is so unlike him.' she mused.

"Ok who are you, and what have you done with Beast Boy?" she said in what she hoped was her usual sarcastic manor. This would surly illicit a laugh from him.

"You're spoiling the moment Rae, that's usually my job." he said with a smile. This comment unlocked the puzzle she had been mulling over.

The realization struck her like a thunderbolt. This was the real Beast Boy. Just as she used her cold manner and her sarcasm to keep people away, he used his corny jokes and humor to keep people from ever knowing the person he was underneath it all.

The surprise must have shown on her face. Beast Boy smiled, "Surprises you does it?" he said with a laugh.

"Well how do you expect me to act? I just found out that one of my friends is a completely different person." she said with a touch of frustration in her voice.

"I'm not a different person." He said in a hurt voice, "I guess I just wanted people to like me. It's bad enough that I'm green. I just figured that if I entertained people, you know, made them laugh, that they would like me. Besides, who would want to know a green kid who just sits around and mopes about his past all the time."

Raven was reminded suddenly of a sculpture in her room. It depicted two theater masks, one smiling, the other crying. It was supposed to represent smiling now, and crying later. For her, this represented her personality. And now she wondered if it was similar to Beast Boy's as well.

"Beast Boy, if your past bothers you so much, why bother to bring it up?" Raven asked, a touch of concern in her voice. She had seen that his past was painful to talk about, she didn't want to see him hurting.

Beast Boy sat in front of her, his brow furrowed. He looked as if he was trying to decide just what to say. "I was worried about you." he said simply.

"About me?" she asked, surprised.

"I know what its like to hide yourself from the world. To feel like no one really gets you. I've wanted to tell you for so long, ever since going into that mirror of yours a few years back. I told you once that you think that you are alone, but you're not." He was looking into her eyes again, his words etching themselves upon her soul.

Raven just sat there, to stunned for words.

"I wanted to explain myself even then, but I just couldn't. To afraid I guess. But now, will all of this End of the World prophecy stuff, I knew that you would be, well, worried sick."

'That's one hell of an understatement.' she thought. She was near tears now, over the anguish because of the prophecy, of the kindness that Beast Boy, no, Garfield was showing her.

"I guess I wanted you to know that there was someone out there who understood you. Someone who wants to help you however they can. And, god forbid, if the world really _did_ end… I guess I didn't want it to end without having told you."

She was crying now, her powers were discharging across the room, but its construction was solid, its magical wards strong. Otherwise there might not have been a tower left standing. Beast Boy leaned forward and wrapped his arms around her.

"I'm so afraid," she sobbed, "Not for myself but for everyone. Slade is coming for me. He'll make me become the gate. And when my father gets through no one will be safe, he will do unspeakable things… All because of me…"

She felt his hand slip under her chin, bringing her face up level with his. Once more his eyes bored into her, she sat transfixed.

"Raven," he began, his tone more serious than she had ever heard it before, "I promise you, on my parents grave, on all the powers above and below, I will do anything to protect you. I will not let any harm come you. I will keep you safe, I promise."

Raven could only pray that her friends courage and Beast Boy's determination would be enough. For at that moment all through the tower, the alarm was sounding.


	4. Begining of The End

Chapter 4

(An: Ok guys the last chapter was the first big hill on the rollercoaster that is this story, now comes the freefall. From here on in things get, shall we say, rough. Don't get me wrong however, I don't intend for it to be all doom and gloom.)

The bad memories are beginning to creep up upon me again. I can feel their icy fingers clawing inside my chest, driving ever closer toward my heart. I felt those cold claws within me for the first time that day. In the weeks and months that would follow, I would feel them encroaching ever nearer, ever closer, toward my center.

They tear at my insides, rending my happiness, scaring my hope, shredding my soul. Sometimes the pain is unbearable, like I just want to lay down and breath no more. But I can't. I won't. I gave her my word. I swore to her. I promised her. I must go on. But how can a person survive when everyday is pure agony? As painful as it is, I don't fear the pain. The pain is my companion. The pain keeps me going. Tells me that I'm still alive. That I'm still … human. It's the numbness I truly fear.

As the icy fingers of dread reach closer and closer to my heart, in their wake they leave, a cold numbness. An emotional void. Everyday I get a little, colder. A little more, distant… A little less… human… I fear the day will come when at last those cold fingers will hold my heart in an icy caress. And on that day the person that I once was will be gone forever.

No matter how hard I try to fight it, the memory overtakes me. As much as it hurts, I don't want to forget. I just grit my teeth and bear it. I owe her that much. I won't forget. I won't ever forget.

_Slade had come. He had come for Raven. He was going to force her to become the gate through which her father, Trigon the Terrible would enter this plane of existence. She would not survive the process. The team was fighting to save the universe. I was fighting to save her. _

Darkness had fallen on Jump City. A darkness from which no light might ever be seen again. If the prophecy of the Gem were to come to pass, the earth would never see another dawn. But even as the black of night enveloped the city, intermittent flashes of light touched the sky, and light up the night. These flashes served as a reminder that there were still those who dared to hope for another dawn.

The bay was lit with the baleful orange glow of an army of demonic fire creatures. Summoned to earth by Trigons waxing power, these creatures of flame had come to Titans Tower. But they had not come alone. Leading them was none other than the man who had opposed the Titans for years, who had time and again nearly destroyed them. Slade. Reanimated by Trigons unholy power and infused with his demonic gifts he was leading this army at the behest of his new 'master'.

Standing against all this were four figures. Determination shown on their faces, hope etched in their hearts.

Robin, deep into his combat stance was felling enemies with uncanny speed. His bow staff becoming a silvery grey blur as he whipped it from enemy to enemy in an epic display of mastery and skill.

Starfire, neon green energy crackling from her eyes and hands was raining destruction upon her foes. One instant she was soaring above the battlefield, blasting her enemies from the sky. The next she was among them, bringing her considerable strength to bear against the evil menace. Every blow she struck was filled with every ounce of her focused and righteous anger.

Cyborg, his power core linked to the Towers emitter matrix was channeling unheard of levels of energy into his systems. He had never tested the hardware he was bringing online, and yet he did not hesitate. His arms began to transform into massive sonic transducer coils. With an ominous hum their energy began to build and flair. Charging his new weapons to their maximum output level he aimed an immense blast wave directly into the heart of the enemies numbers.

Beastboy fought with every ounce of his animalistic fury. His animal forms were changing faster that the eye could follow. The tigers claws lashed out to cut three fire demons to ribbons, the rhinos horn sent scores of the enemy flying, the tail and teeth of the tyrannosaurus rex lashed out to claim dozens of foes.

Yet all of this was not enough. For every foe the Titans felled, two more would take their place. And there was Slade himself, he easily caught Robins bow staff with one hand before smashing it to pieces. With his fire powers he blasted Starfire from the sky to watch her fall in a smoldering heap on the ground. He even took Cyborgs super charged sonic blast dead on. He shrugged off the mighty blow, cracked his neck menacingly, and resumed the fray.

'This isn't working!' Beast boy thought furiously. He had tried every one of his forms, and nothing seemed to work. Even the mighty T-Rex seemed to pail in comparison to the forces they faced.

'_Protect her…' _a low voice spoke from the depths of Beast Boys subconscious. With a dawning realization Beast Boy understood. 'I've tried every form except one.' he realized. He had fought against this form for nearly a year now, he was still unable to accept that it was a part of him.

This form was not any true species of animal known to man, or anyone else for that matter. It was unique, and it was quite possibly his only hope at protecting Raven. He knew from experience that his form was unpredictable and uncontrollable, this from put everyone and everything around it at risk. But if there was one thing it was good at, it was protecting Raven. And right now, that was the only thing in the entirety of existence that he cared for.

"Right then." Beast Boy spoke, determination etched upon his face, defiance in his voice. Reaching deep within himself, he found that secret place within his heart, the place he had caged the terrible power that was this form. Surrendering himself to this power, he felt the change sweep over him. Before he had exercised every ounce of his will to fight the change, in the past it was painful, muscle straining against muscle, bone attempting to reform against his will. This time the transition was fluid and instantaneous. It was also different.

Powerful muscles budged beneath his matted green fur, needle sharp teeth protruded from a snarling jaw, wicked razor sharp claws curled from his powerful paws. The Beast had come. Comprised of the raw primal instincts and unspoken desires of Beast Boys subconscious, the Beast was an entirely different entity than the wise cracking green teenager. At least it was supposed to be.

Before Beast Boy was not conscious or even aware of what was happening when he was in Beast form. The others had told him that the Beasts eyes were pure white, empty of any rationality or intelligence. This time it was different. Beast Boy was not only aware of what was going on but he also exercised a surprising amount of control.

'_No time, must fight…'_ Beast Boy thought, his mind clouded and hazy. And he launched himself into the fray. His powerful claws tore the fire demons before him apart, reducing them to piles of burning embers. Powerful leaps carried him over the battlefield, his eyes coming to rest on the thing that was threatening that which he had sworn to protect. Slade.

With a mighty roar that shook the very heavens he lunged at the reanimated Slade. He was just inches away from ripping his target apart, when Slade turned and blasted him with a massive ball of flame. He was hurled into the air at what felt like terminal velocity. His back met the tower with a terrific crash, as he came to rest inside of the teams home.

The force of this impact would have killed a normal person, even the other Titans would have been out of commission after taking punishment like that. Beast Boy in his Beast form felt no pain. It simply didn't register. With a snarl he righted himself and with a mighty leap from the tower, rejoined the fray.

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Raven sat meditating in the chamber, trying desperately to block the mental intrusions coming from her father. Since the battle outside began his voice had assaulted her mind. He was telling her of what would come to pass, how it was inevitable. And the worst part was, he was right. Desperately she tried to center herself, to maintain her inner balance, she was failing.

With her powers she could sense that battle outside. She could feel her friends emotions, Robins determination, Starfires righteous anger, Cyborgs genuine concern. But most of all she could feel Beast Boys emotions. While the others feelings burned like torches, his blazed with the intensity of a small star. His determination was focused to a fine razors edge, his anger burned white hot, and she felt his concern emanating off of him in waves.

She could tell that the battle was not going well, she could feel the exhaustion tugging at her friends will. They were outnumbered, out matched, and overpowered, but they still were not stopping. She realized that if she didn't stop this now something bad would happen. As if the end of the world was not enough, she couldn't bear the thought of her friends being hurt just for her.

"I'm going to end this, the only way I can." she announced to no one in particular.

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Outside the fight was drawing to a close, one by one the Titans had fallen under the forces at Slades command. They were now held captive by the fire demons. Slade smiled inwardly, never had this been so easy. 'I should have sold my soul long ago' he reflected darkly.

Walking over to the helpless hero's Slade paused for a moment savoring his victory. "Now, you will tell me where the girl is, or I will _force_ if out of you." he said in his falsely calm voice, his eye narrowing menacingly as he finished.

"Never" hissed a very pissed off Robin.

"Very well then, have it your way." Slade taunted. Flames leapt from his palms as he advanced on the Titans.

"Stop!" cried a flat monotone voice. All heads turned to face the cloaked figure that had materialized in a swirl of dark energy. Raven. "Don't hurt them." she said quietly.

"Ah my dear, that will only happen if you come with me." Slade said threateningly.

"Raven, No!" Beast Boy cried, desperately.

"I'm sorry" she said, voice wavering. "Thank you for trying, but I won't let my friends sacrifice themselves." Beast Boy watched as she closed her eyes, a single tear rolling down her face. There was a flash of dark energy, and Beast Boy fell to the ground, unconscious. Before the world went dark the last thing he registered was her voice.

"Be safe."


	5. Darkness

Chapter 5

(An: Sorry for the long wait, writing this story in particular is difficult at times. Dark thoughts lead to dark moods and all that. But I really want to tell this story in its entirety. This chapter shows the beginning of BB's change, he will be acting OOC for the rest of the story but I hope that I can explain it in a way what will be believable.)

I blame myself.

I wasn't strong enough.

I couldn't save her…

I _promised_ her that I would. But I couldn't. I **hate** myself for failing her. I had broken my promise. Something I never do…

I remember turning this self hate inward, searching my soul for the parts that made me weak, that held me back. If I was to save her, these parts would have to go.

Over the coming weeks I summoned my anger, my despair, my fear, my rage. I used them to tear at my soul. My compassion, my empathy, my happiness, all the parts that would hold me back, that would slow me down. All the parts that had suddenly ceased to matter. If it wasn't a part that could help save Raven, it was cast aside.

My soul was left tattered and bloody, but it would become hard and lean, jagged and sharp, like a weapon. No not like a weapon, I was a weapon, forged for battle and with a single objective. Raven. Nothing else mattered… Nothing.

_Three months have passed since the banishment of Trigon. We had won, Raven had sealed her father back in his fiery realm, but not before he exacted one last act of retribution…_

Dark shadows flickered and danced within the cluttered room. The scarce light revealed the floor to be littered with books, scribbled notes, and arcane scrolls. A lone figure sat hunched over a small writing desk piled high with thick tomes. A few short squat candles provided a small pool of illumination around him and his work, darkness claimed the rest.

The figure hunched over the desk was dressed in a dirty and wrinkled uniform. The white gloves of which were stained with ink and dust. His eyelids seemed to sag as if under an immense weight, his emerald eyes were bloodshot and strained. His skin was a sickly shade of dark green, like a head of lettuce left out for to long.

Everything about the figures appearance indicated severe fatigue. Everything except his face. The figures brow was furrowed in concentration, his jaw clenched in anger, his teeth grinding against one another in frustration. His concentration was focused upon the arcane tomes before him, his eyes sweeping back and forth across the pages, his brain straining to tease meaning from the frustratingly long groupings of letters and figures.

The words had started to bleed together and swim underneath his vision again. The sand man beckoned with promises of peace and serenity. For a moment he hesitated, it had been days since he had last rested. Then he remembered why he was here, he remembered who he was doing this for. Forcing his eyes back open he redoubled his efforts scribbling away furiously at the paper, attacking the conundrum before him as if the book was an enemy to be defeated.

*Clack* The noise was shortly followed by a blinding burst of light that drove the darkness from the room. The figure growled in annoyance as it's highly sensitive eyes struggled to readjust. "What the hell!" the figure snarled.

A slightly affronted young alien stood in the doorway, her hand poised over the light switch. "Apologies friend, I was merely seeking to enquire if you were to be joining us for the communal sharing of foodstuffs." she said meekly.

"No" his reply was short, his anger palpable.

"Friend Beast Boy please, this will be the thirteenth meal you have not shared with us. We fear for your nutritional wellbeing." she said imploringly.

Beastboy's stomach growled. He gnashed his teeth in anger, 'damn this body for its weakness.' he thought.

He greatly desired nourishment, but to eat he would have to leave his work. He was holding a vast amount of information in his head right now. He barely understood any of it, and every delay, every interruption no matter how minor would cause him to forget what he had struggled so hard to comprehend. 'Curse my weak mind' he thought angrily.

"Starfire I simply can't take a break right now. I'll have supper later." he said, hoping to brush her off so he could resume his work.

"Friend Beastboy, you are mistaken, we are partaking in the breaking of the fast." she replied hopefully.

'Damn' he thought to himself. He had been losing track of time again. When you don't sleep the days seem to blend into one another, time becomes and inconstant thing.

The silence stretched out between them. Starfire stood in the doorway, concern etched upon her face. Beastboy should have been touched by her concern, instead it made him grow angry. 'I'm not the one she should be worrying about.' he thought bitterly.

Starfire sighed, "Robin has asked me to express his… _concern_."

Beast boy interrupted her, "I'll bet" he said with disdain.

Raising her voice slightly Starfire plunged onward. "He was curious as to if you were aware that the team has resumed the training. He is most… _concerned_ with your absence."

That had done it.

Beastboy dug his fingers into the wood of the desk. The splintering of wood could be heard as ten deep furrows were dug into the surface of he desk. Claws had been the beasts parting gift to him. Long wicked looking things, his gloves hid them, unless he shredded them, like he just had.

He rose, knocking the stool he had until recently been occupying to the rubbish strewn floor. Still facing the desk, claws still imbedded in the wood, he spoke in a low dangerous tone, "He knows **damn** well the only … _absence_ … we should be worried about." He let the words sink in. Part of him regretted their cruel barbs the moment they had left his tongue, that didn't stop him.

Tears began to form in the Tamaranians eyes. Starfire had only just stopped crying a few days ago, that he had upset her would surely earn him a chewing from the boy blunder. Her words came in a rush, "Friend Robin knows what he is doing, Friend Robin is thinking of us all, that should we be needed that we will be ready." Her stance was defiant, as if daring him to say otherwise.

Extricating his new claws from the desk Beastboy turned around, facing starfire so that she could see his eyes for the first time. He knew that they must be red and swollen, with dark circles underneath. Baring his teeth, which were incidentally longer, sharper, and had more of a curve to them than three months hence, he spoke.

"Friend Robin has given up.", he said in a mocking singsong voice. "Friend Robin has moved on." Starfire began to recoil at this, but Beastboy pressed on advancing on her with each word. "He did it with Batman, He did it with Terra, and now he's doing it again. First it will be a mission, and then more training because of the mission. He'll start putting this off, leaving it for _when there's time_. And eventually there won't be any." By the time he finished he was standing before her, and though he was shorter than her by far, he loomed. "Get out, come back when you are ready to help, and take _friend robin's_ concern with you."

He didn't hear her leave, he didn't hear the door shut. He hated himself for snapping at Starfire of all people, but when was that anything new lately. Self loathing. What a mess. He reached over and turned the florescent lights off. His eyes began to adjust to the now darker room, light once again only by candlelight. He returned to the desk, leaned down to pick up the stool and with a sense of finality placed it firmly before the desk. He sat.

He pulled another of Ravens many books closer, he bent to examine the arcane text closer in a effort to ignore the illustration that covered most of the page. This book dealt with the prophecy surrounding Raven and her Father, more specifically the prophecy that had brought Trigon to earth, and nearly cost Raven her life.

Try as he might he found his eyes pulled toward the picture, he closed them, let out a sigh, and opened them to stare at the picture. It hit him, right in the gut, every time he glanced at this particular illustration, every time he closed his eyes, every time he stole a few hours rest. It was a picture of a beautiful girl with long lavender hair clad in a white cape and leotard … being drug into a fiery fissure, a gateway, by a large red hand. She had done it, with the help of her friends, she had returned and vanquished her father. But in a final act of retribution, as he was banished from this realm back to the pit from whence he came, Trigon reached out and drug Raven down with him.

His eyes, red and swollen with exhaustion still managed to find the moisture to produce tears.

Wiping his face and once more strengthening his resolve Beastboy swore, "Raven, I promise you, on my parents grave, on all the powers above and below, I will do anything to save you. Anything."

He went back to work, scribbling notes, attempting to determine arcane formulae, hoping desperately for something, anything, that could bring his Raven back.

Dark shadows flickered and danced within the cluttered room. A lone figure sits hunched over a small writing desk piled high with thick tomes. A few short squat candles provide a small pool of illumination around him and his work, darkness claims the rest. After a time, he reflects.

While the light from the fluorescent bulbs in the room had been enough to banish every shadow from the room, its light was cold, sterile. The light from the candles however was warm, comforting. Yes, all in all, Beast Boy decided, he preferred the dark better.


End file.
